This post was first written some time ago by a blogger who is no longer with us here. Because its a very good, very honest post, I took the liberty to make a few changes to names  and published it anyway. I think it says a lot that really should be talked about more often. A lot more women then you think have been in this position, and many of them probably don’t even realize it.

For most people, rape is pretty cut and dry. To them, you know you were raped and you were, or you didn’t know so you weren’t. For them, there is no grey area, no fuzzy line, nothing. You were or you weren’t. And you know when you are as you are raped.

I’m not one of them. I was raped once before, but I didn’t see it as rape because of the massive guilt factor involved. I’m still not able to lay on my back and suck a guy off; I still picture that jackass above me.

But according to my boyfriend, I was raped several times more without realizing it was rape. Mostly because I’m wired the way that I am; see, I’m quite submissive, bordering on the unhealthy side. I grew up with it instilled in my head that I must make everyone else happy before I try to be happy, I was raised to bow to the man, the king of the household. Basically I was brainwashed by the bible and my father. In my mind, the perfect wife was the perfect servant. I now know this to be wrong, but it is really really hard to change what has essentially been my life. Marcos (my boyfriend) is helping me through this.

It was he who realized I had been raped multiple times without knowing it. He holds my ex responsible. There were many times I was with him (the ex) and felt it more my duty, even though I didn’t want to. We weren’t married, far from engaged, though after three and a half years, I expected more than he was willing to give (apparently, three and a half years isn’t long enough to get an apartment together). There was one main instance that stands out in my mind, mostly because it was the first time Marcos told me that I had been raped. I denied it, refused to believe it, still do. It was the Christmas party last year for the company I worked for at the time. They rented out a hotel seminar room, set up everything, and were able to get half-priced rooms for employees and guests. I took a room for me and the current bf (now, the ex). After the party, we retired to the hotel room. I had originally planned to enjoy him fully, after all, what else are you supposed to do in a hotel room? But I hadn’t planned on the sound-system the company had rented; the room was small (small company) but the speakers were meant for a room at least twice that size. I had a massively pounding headache once we left the noise behind. I got undressed and lay in bed with a damp rag on my forehead, trying to ease the nauseating headache. He decided that we should have fun. My initial reaction was “baby, I’m sorry, but I don’t feel up to it”. But, of course, that didn’t stop him. It was/is instilled in my brain to please him no matter what, so I didn’t protest once he pulled the blankets away. No, I did not enjoy myself, my headache kept time with his thrusts, but that was about all I could feel. Yes, at the time I felt terrible, but I felt terrible because I felt I could have or should have done more. Having a high guilt factor is quite annoying.

When Marcos heard this, he became livid. Adding that to a few other times in the relationship that I either mentioned or let slip, he refuses to meet my ex for fear of going to jail. He has a no-tolerance for hitting, bruising, hurting, or raping a woman. Of which, my ex is guilty of (apparently) all of them. I agree with the first three, but I never would have expected that last.

I did a little research into rape. Only a small portion are reported. Of those, the smallest fraction is coerced rape, which is what I have fallen victim to. It is what most people with submissive personalities falls victim to, though it also opens us up more to the other forms of rape. Read more »