Recent events bring us to the newest installment here at StinkierThan.com, which is what smells worse- an unwashed dog, or WD-40. You may think this is an odd comparison, but based on circumstances, I assure you its perfectly reasonable.

Last night a friend and I set out to shave the dog. The dog in question is always outdoors, and has long, thick, double-coated hair. She’s part Samoyed, and part who knows what. We try to shave her each year as her hair gets tangled and matted and its easiest to just remove it in summer. You can see before and after photos from three years ago here.

Anyway, as we were working on shaving her, we realized just how bad she smells. Not just that doggy smell, but really, really stinks. Needless to say, she’ll be getting a bath as well.

Now how the WD-40 comes into this is easy. We couldn’t find the clipper lube so we decided to use WD-40 instead. There’s nothing better then shaving your dog with the aroma of the common household lubricant wafting through the air. And luckily WD-40 doesn’t smell anywhere near as bad as a dirty, suddenly balding dog.

I understand that you might not agree- “But WD-40 smells so awful!” you say, as you reach for the smelly old dog. In that case, please, come over and help us finish the job of shaving her. You’re very welcome to do it!

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Teflon, which is Polytetrafluoroethylene, is used in cookware- pots, pan, skillets, you name it. It creates a non-sticking surface so you don’t have to scrape the remains of your food out of the pan with a scrub brush. It’s also rumored to be fairly safe, unless of course you’re a bird. At high temperatures, it begins to emit toxic fumes which will kill birds (in one fell swoop!) and cause flu-like symptoms in humans. Luckily, “flu-like” does not equal death for us people.

Carbon monoxide on the other hand, is smell-less, tasteless, and colorless, which means you have no idea where it is, or when its going to come for you.  It’s kind of like a monster in a horror movie- you now its out there, but you never know just when it will strike. Unlike Teflon, it causes death in pretty much everybody. Not only does this suck, it sucks for more then just birds.

We vote for staying away from both if you’re of the avian persuasion, but definitely staying away from CO2  no matter who you are. They might use it in meat packing plants, but I don’t think you want to become the next slab of meat to be packed. Carbon monoxide is the hands down winner in this round.

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Now here’s a fine question for the distinguished gourmet! Which of these two fine, country treats is the better? Or um… smellier? Road apples, and cow pies? First, let’s explain exactly what these are for the uninitiated.

Road apples are horse droppings, to put it politely. They are so-called because they are round, firm, and somewhat apple shaped, though their color is more like a bruised and rotten apple then a healthy, fresh one. Cow pies are the droppings of cattle. However, they are flat and sloppy, like a mud pie or any old pie without a crust to keep its fillings in. Appealing, no?

To some people cow pies are appealing- they have contests as to who can throw one the furthest. Who decided it was a good idea, (let alone a fun idea!) to play with poop is unknown to me. I forget what the actual term for this is, but believe me, there is one. I think they call them cow chips in this context though.

The road apples make for good rocks if you’re inclined to throw them as well. Being round, then can actually be thrown, rather then flung like a Frisbee as cow pies must be thrown. The good thing about them is they are not very dense, so should you hit sometong in the head with one, they just bounce off and don’t do any damage. One thrown very hard may explode on impact, sending dry manure dust everywhere.

Me, I vote for the road apples. Keep your stinky old cow pies to yourself!

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Our next question is brought to you courtesy of all the dirty, seed and shell filled bird cages out there. The ones with the collectives of dust and dirt, feathers, dander, and of course, poop. Bird poop.

Bird poop doesn’t have much of an odor to it, but we understand that all of the items listed above, when collected into a central location, tend to have a bit of a musty, dry, and dusty smell. None of these are very pleasant (okay, none of these are pleasant at all) on their own, and together they are downright… erm… sneeze worthy.

But when compared to a musty book, which is worse? If you’ve never encountered a musty book, leave one on a window sill of a house that the windows leak during a rain storm. Pack the damp book away in the closet for a few months, and then later, open it up in a room with little ventilation. Inhale. Don’t inhale too deeply though- there may be toxic mold spores just waiting to make their way into your lungs from between those pages! In that case, the actual inhalation that lands you in the hospital may be stinkier then the actual scent wafting up into your nasal cavity from the pages.

So where was I? Oh, yes, bird cages. A really dirty bird cage not only smells dusty but a little bit musty. And if the bird cage is very dirty, it might have multitudes of small, crawling insects ravaging the droppings and seed shells in the bottom of the cage. Obviously that’s one messy bird cage and your bird’s health may be suffering at this point as well. Or maybe your bird is feasting on the absurd number of bugs and larvae trespassing it’s cages

Either way, neither option is good. Moldy, musty books, or filthy, dirty, bug-addled bird cages. Which do you choose?

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The question I’ve asked myself tonight is this- which smells worse? Super glue? Or spandex shorts? Of course this leads to the next set of questions, which make this a very difficult question to lay to rest. Are the spandex shorts clean, or have they been worn recently? Did the person who wore them sweat a lot? And did they shower before they wore them? And the glue- what is it the glue is gluing together anyway? Is it holding something alive together, like a wound that almost needed stitches? Or it is just sitting in it’s tube, hiding it’s very odor from all who pass?

Now of course the untrained observer might say that the super glue is by far the stinkier product, but I beg to differ. Although the glue does have an odor, and not a very pleasant one, the spandex shorts have been pressed against someone’s most likely naked loins for who knows how long! And we all know there are plenty of scent glands simply radiating smell in the nether regions of a person!

And if this person was bicycling or running or even just sitting around- they were sweating! Not only are those shorts filled with scent, but they are filled with sweat- stinky, smelly, wet sweat! Wetness that is breeding bacteria as I type this. The shorts win, hands down. And if you disagree, I invite you to give them both a sniff, but I’m not going to be responsible for the repercussions.

Wait a minute… what if it were an oozing, pus-filled wound?

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